I have always been a person who was better expressing my feelings on paper than within the confines of conversation with others. It is no surprise that the feelings I am having now would come out this way. My life has been exceptional with a few bumps here and there. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. My daughter is a second grader with a real zest for life. She drives me to the brink of insanity at times, but I am grateful everyday that God blessed me with her. Then there is my little CJ boy. He is the light in my dark tunnel. He was a clear surprise, but a good one from the beginning. I have a wonderful family and extended family.

In the last several months it has been clear that the path our lives were set on was about to change whether we wanted it to or not. We would receive some news that would change the course of our lives forever. Even without a final diagnosis, just a journey into uncharted territory has veered us off course. In order to explain this journey, it will be necessary that I explain how we got there. I hope over the next few pages, I will be able to give you insight to what this has been like. I want you to understand where I am coming from. So starting from the beginning…

Kaitlyn was born exactly one week before she was scheduled to arrive. I should have known this child would have a flair for the dramatic, seeing as it took 48 hours of labor and two hours of pushing to discover that she wasn’t coming the old fashion way. One emergency c-section later she arrived. And arrived she did. She was not happy about the turn of events. She screamed at every turn and kept on screaming for several months. Eventually the screaming was replaced with a child who craved the spotlight. She wanted all eyes on her all the time. She crawled at six months, walked at 10 months and was talking like an adult before she was two. She reached every milestone as she should. She talks about a mile a minute and still craves the spotlight. She is an absolute joy to know and this story wouldn’t be complete without her.

When CJ came along, I was expecting more of the same. Imagine my surprise when he rarely cried, slept all night by the time he was six weeks old and seemed happiest when he was left to lay and watch the world around him. He was always a big guy so I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t walk right away. I figured, that is a lot of person to get up on two feet, might take a while longer. My concern began when I started noticing strange behavior. He didn’t talk, never pointed and had an obsession with anything he could spin. I am currently going to school to become a teacher and at the time my concerns surface, I was taking a college course that included a discussion about Autism. This of course started my thought process that would lead us here today.

I ventured out on the internet and looked up this mysterious disorder. Turns out, the mayo clinic has a pretty accurate diagnosis and includes signs and symptoms on their website. Of course one of the red flag warnings was obsession with spinning and lack of verbal communication. Of course, I shrugged it off and said oh it’s just coincidence. However I was plagued by thoughts of autism and what this would do to my son. Autism became a nasty word that I couldn’t get out of my head. Everywhere I looked there was a news story or movie portraying the signs and symptoms of Autism. I couldn’t shake it. It was everywhere.

At a Parents As Teachers session, I finally decided to voice my concerns. However, when I went to speak the words, they just wouldn’t come. All I could think to say, is…do you think it is unusual that he isn’t talking yet? I just couldn’t voice the word Autism. It was my dear husband who finally spoke up and said, we want to know if you think he might be Autistic? She sat down with us and did some different types of tests with him and I could see the concern starting to build in her eyes. You can always tell when someone looks at you and you know they want to say something, but they just don’t know how to say it. She had that look in her eyes. It is a look that I will never forget. It is the same look that my Pediatrician gave at his two year check up when I asked him. Both of them said the same thing, you should probably seek additional testing. They both offered hope in the form of “it’s possible he just has some tendencies towards Autism and not be Autistic.” But I never really heard that optimism. I just heard the words, he needs to be tested.

I have to say that my heart was sick over what we were told. Even though we didn’t have a firm diagnosis, many things began to click into place. Many of the behaviors I had shrugged off, became crystal clear in mind. I tackled this new information with a vengeance. I started researching anything and everything having to do with Autism. I started looking at focus groups on the internet and searching for support groups that might be out there. I read every article I could find on the subject. I wanted to know what to expect, how to help my son and what we could expect to go through. Even still, it wasn’t enough to satisfy the dread that I was somehow feeling in my heart. I wanted to be the optimistic one in the family. I wanted to act like nothing was wrong and that I could make it through this. I am always the glass is half full person. I didn’t want to be a pessimist, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of how our lives and his life would change with this diagnosis. I told everyone I saw, it’s no big deal. We can make it, we will be fine. I am going to do whatever it takes to help my son, but I was screaming on the inside. It is hard for me to let people see that pessimistic side. I also didn’t want anyone to treat my son any differently. It has been hard to let others in and to really tell them what is going on. In fact, we have had an idea about his condition for more than six months, but I didn’t tell anyone besides close family and friends until about a month ago.

One of things I thought of, crazy as it sounds, was will he be able to get married someday. I have an amazing relationship with the man I love and I wanted my son and daughter to share their lives with someone someday. However, would this change because he is Autistic? Would we ever be able to break through the social wall he has built around himself, so he can let someone close enough to get in? My heart breaks when I think that my son might live alone the rest of his life. I want his heart to know the joy of loving someone. I want his heart to know the joy of unconditional love that you get with a child. I want my son to know what it feels like to share your deepest darkest secrets with a best friend, who sees you at your best and loves you at your worst. I think this is something we all should experience, but I wondered what his experience with these things would be like.

I have also considered what school will be like for him. I know that my son is extremely intelligent, but school is so much more than just being intelligent.No matter what anyone says, school is a social experience and one that is filled with extracurricular activities and sports. My daughter is active in both and better for it. I want my son to have those same experiences. But now I wonder will that be possible. Will he be able to play those sports? Will he ever feel comfortable enough to join in sports or activities where the main theme is how you work as a team?

All of these considerations have to come into play when considering my son’s future. As selfish as this might sound, we all so must consider how our own lives will change. Most parents envision how their lives will change when their “nest” suddenly becomes empty. What things we will try to accomplish now that we don’t have children to care for? Will we take that long overdue vacation and reconnect or we will look at taking classes to keep our minds sharp?These visions are completely different than what they once were. We now must consider the fact that our son might have to live with us the rest of his life and that he might never feel comfortable enough to branch out on his own. I hope that isn’t the case, but we still must prepare for it just the same. We also must consider a future that doesn’t include us always being around to take care of him and who might step into fill that role if something should happen to one or both of us. As a mother, it is hard to consider a time when I won’t be able to care for him in the way that he deserves, but it is both necessary and appropriate.

My heart also aches at how this diagnosis will change Kaitlyn’s life. It is very important to me that Kaitlyn not be lost in the shuffle, but finding balance is a struggle. I want Kaitlyn’s life to be full. I want her to be all that she can be and not be held back because of her brother’s diagnosis. I also have to realize that if something were to happen to her father and I, that the responsibility of caring for her brother would ultimately fall to her. It is so important to me that she not resent that fact. I consider what the future will be like for her as well. I have tried to be as open and honest as possible with her, but explanation is difficult with a seven year old. I have also struggled with not wanting Kaitlyn to suffer because of this diagnosis, knowing that in some ways she will. That is a hard fact to deal with. She is a strong, capable and resilient child and I know that she will face this challenge head on like she does everything else. I know that CJ is lucky to have Kaitlyn in his life. I have no doubt that she will face whatever task is thrown her way head on and never look back. That is just the type of child she is. However, I also know that she will give up a lot as well. That has been a hard pill to swallow and something I am sure I will struggle with for a long time.

The times I have cried over this are too numerous to count. I grieved over this more than I ever thought possible. I now grieve again knowing the diagnosis has been confirmed. I now will begin a period of acceptance. I still somehow thought in the back of my mind, that the Doctor would dismiss it as just normal two year old behavior. I was hanging on to that last shred of hope that this was not Autism. I know that sounds terrible. However, I also know that no one wants their child to be autistic. No one wishes for a life like this for your child. I also know, that in order to help CJ, I have to help myself. I have to accept the things as they are and be lifted up by the things that we do have with him. I am so blessed that my son is affectionate with us. He loves to hug and give kisses. Many autistic children are unable to give this type of closeness, but my son does. I am blessed to have a family who accepts CJ as he is and looks past the diagnosis and just wants to know how they can help.

I know things could be so much worse and that his case doesn’t look as bad as some, but I still know the road ahead will be long. However, I know that we didn’t wish for this diagnosis, but you have to play the hand you have been dealt. I love my son and I am now looking at all the positive things he brings to the table. He has brought all of us closer and made me appreciate all of the small things. He said momma and meant it for the first time a couple of days ago and that small word was music to my ears. He played with another child a couple of days ago and that was sight I thought I might never see. I am going to savor every moment we have together and cherish all of the victories. I know the road ahead is long, but I am comforted to know that I am not alone in the struggle and that God brought this beautiful child into our lives. CJ makes me want to be a better mother and person. You know I have never seen an angel up close, but I think if I ever did the face I would see would be my son’s. He is an angel on earth and I believe that God has a greater purpose for him.