I was thinking earlier about how insensitive some people can be in regards to our special needs children. Thought I would share a story of mine. I'm sure we all have some of these to share.
Trinity was 7 last year and in the public school system, mainstreaming...she has special ed classes and classes with "typical" children..(I hate that word "Normal"...how many of us actually are??!) Trinity loves school...she loves her classmates. This probably annoys some kids and this was brought to my attention in a callous way.
A neighbor of mine had a little girl in first grade with Trinity. Trinity talked about this child and would say..."I love her". One day this neighbor came to my door to use my phone because hers was on the fritz....As she was leaving, I mentioned to her how much Trinity loved her little girl...At which time whe commented..." Yes..I've heard from Mary..." then she went on to say that Mary found Trinity annoying because she always wanted to stand in line beside her and sit beside her in the lunchroom.. Then she said..rather matter of factly..." I told her to have the teacher move her." I just stood there thinking , why? Why couldn't she have just told her little girl that Trinity was a little different, but to just be her friend.? Why did she have to react like it was something she might catch??
The absolute clincher for me was this.......This adult woman, with two kids of her own...had absolutely NO IDEA that she had offended me!! She walked away with a "have a nice day attitude." I said nothing....then sat down and cried...I SHOULD have told her I was offended, I guess...but really....If you have to TELL someone that....would it really matter? I found myself angry with her child....irrrational, I know.
That experience did have a positive outcome for me though...It brought me to action at school this year...But that is another post for later. Just wanted to share.
Hi turmangirl, Sigh - the
Hi turmangirl,
Sigh - the more times change, the more they seem to stay the same. My son and I went through an almost identical experience with a good friend of mine (and my son is now 20). Unlike you, I always went into a highly defensive mode (i.e. mama-bear syndrome) and the only thing I usually accomplished was to offend my friends by having the audacity to suggest I was offended by their rude behavior. As a result, I have very few friends left (but they are all good ones). For the others, I think because they thought of themselves as the "normal" ones and our little family had officially been diagnosed with a social impairment, they not only thought they were justified in being rude to my son, they thought they could also get away with being rude to me and my husband... and yes, I am admittedly still somewhat bitter about it.
Turmangirl, you have such a nice nature. I hope that whatever lies ahead for you and Trinity does not affect you the same way it has affected me. For me, unfortunately, I am still trying hard to rediscover the nice way I used to be able to converse (and correspond) with other people.
PS I also hate the "normal" term and always put it into quotations. I really don't think "typical" is much better since both imply that the majority way of being is the "right" way of being, but I suppose that is the usual problem when terms are substituted for others for the sake of making an inherently bad concept politically correct or palatable. I think we are all essentially diverse and that diversity is essential to the smooth running of our planet. It is, after all, the people who were able to think outside the box that gave us many of our most important scientific advancements - yet we seldom celebrate people who are truly able to see this old world in a unique way. Instead, we (as a society) label them with a "disorder" and treat them generally like crap.
Thank you for writing such a beautiful post and I'm sorry for being so blunt.
Hello Perseverence.( I
Hello Perseverence.( I believe you've earned that name!) Please don't be sorry for bluntness. ASD changes perspectives. Bluntness becomes necessary.
yesterday, Trinity and I went to Dollar General. In the checkout, she was feeling crowded because a young woman walked up behind her in line. Trinity said.."Nanny...somebody won't get away from you." She then swept her hand in a backwards motion and said.."Get away!". I admonished her and told her that the nice lady was purchasing something, just like us. I showed her that she was holding an item. I pulled her to me and said softly to the woman...she has autism, she's not trying to be rude. The lady was uncomfortable, I could tell, but she said sweetly.."it's ok."
I have learned that saying this before it might get ugly is the simplest thing to do. Education is the best solution. I remember before Trinity was diagnosed, I knew.....I knew for some time, but couldn't bring myself to say it...as if saying it outloud would make it true.
We've come a long way since then. Everyday becomes a cause for celebration with the addition of a new word...or even getting an "attitude" about something. It's like "YAY!"...THAT'S something new!!
I think the "nice way you used to be able to converse with other people" is right there on your keyboard..You conversed beautifully with great strength.
Thankyou for YOUR beautiful post .
My philosophy - The game is
My philosophy - The game is not lost as long as one persists in playing - lol. I have my battle scars, but I also believe that life should be a celebration for everyone!
Great philosophy! As I
Great philosophy! As I age, I have added this one.
"any day, above ground, is a good day." LOL
Even if my son did not have
Even if my son did not have special needs, I would always want to know if there is a special needs student in his classes. Just so I can teach my children about it. I wish all parents would take some anti-ignorance pill.
There are so many parents of ASD children begging to God that their kids could say they love them. Your daughter not only can say it but loves to share it. This woman should take a few miles in our shoes. I can understand no having the words to confront the woman. I have resorted to silent tears instead of confrontment, but in the end, noether really help I guess. I am glad you got involved in her school, hopefully I can follow your footsteps in the event I ever need.
Yes, sstars, hearing "I love
Yes, sstars, hearing "I love you, Nanny" is the most beautiful phrase in the world.. (Trinity is my grandchild)... It was a long time before I got that. She had limited language that only seemed to include the male gender...I know that sounds odd, but what I mean is that she would say "Daddy" and "Papa".... but not Mama or Nanny...I've always found that curious? No matter what we did.
The first time she said she loved me was wonderful. I was in the grocery store with her in the basket seat. A woman I knew casually came up to us and began talking to Trinity...All of a sudden, she said perfectly, " I love Nanny!" It was all I could do not to do that ridiculous Steve Carrell , Evan Almighty, victory dance.
About school involvement... I am starting a new blog about that.. I had a WONDERFUL experience with that this year!
Okay Perseverence if you
Okay Perseverence if you want BLUNT Im your girl.
I would have told that stupid b*tch to go borrow
somebody elses damn phone! We havent lost a
single friend over this. Now there have been times
where I've had to "educate" somebody publically.
I actually got after a woman in Walmart one time
when Marcel was having a melt down. I told her
calmly but loud enough so others could hear that
my son wasnt a brat, that this was autism. So then
she said she wasnt staring.... and I said "yes you
were" and you need to know that its not his fault.
I laid into her. Ladies I am very nice but when it
comes to my son if necessary I can be a real
b*tch. If you need lessons just let me know lol.
((hugs)) Cindy
LOL cindy! We can always
LOL cindy! We can always count on you for a grin when things start getting too emotional.... Everyone has their own strengths...and weaknesses. Our kids fall in both catagories!!
=) I notice the older I get
=) I notice the older I get the more I act like my mother
lol.
It's good to live long
It's good to live long enough to have that happen...huh?
My Mom passed away in 1990..age 65. Sometimes I see her in my face...and hear her in my sisters voice. Always warms my heart.
=)~~~
=)~~~