I had not heard from Michael's father in probably 6 weeks. I had given up trying to get information out of him for Michael's profiles and such. I lost his address and wanted to send him a painting Michael did, along with his school pictures. Spencer does Spring pictures that are like senior portraits for little kids. I love Michael's. But no address. So I gave up deleted him from Myspace and just stopped emailing him. He woke me up at 1:15 this morning to talk. And kept me up until 5 on messenger. I was not the best of friends towards him but I refrained from saying many things on my mind.

I guess there is a reunion a few hours away so he is going to come down with his daughter after that and spend about 24 hours here. Yeah thats it. Michael has never met his sister. Does not even know about her. She is I think14 months. I met her mother but that really was not much. I want Michael to know his sister, I just do not think it is very fair that he needs to share his father right now. It would be impossible for David not to love the child he was there for since she was born and can see whenever. The one who is normal thus far... I just have mixed feelings. I do not want to overstep a line with her mother. I do not even know if he told Naomi he was bringing Rose here after the reunion. And no, not one person mentioned wanting to see Michael for it. Go figure.

I really do not know how I feel about David coming down. It will be right after Michael's birthday, and I know he has presents from geez last Christmas and beyond, but I do not care about presents. I think the hardest thing is him elling me he wants to be with me. I mean not as a relationship, he actually told me he wants to cuddle. Here I am trying to banish him from my heart. He s going to be in for a surprise because I am not giving up my heart again.   read more »

Michael finally figure out pedaling! Steering is another matter. Step two, pedaling his big boy bike.

First I shall start with a long and deep *sigh*. Where to start. I have a tangle of thoughts and emotions, fears and doubts, wishes and disappointments, well basically a mess to word out.

I had no doubts in Michael before this morning. I accepted what they told me, and it all seemed to fit. Or did it fit because I was looking for proof to make those statements concrete, or was I just too accepting of the facts and related half-true coincidences from the books, statistics, websites, and word of others so I would not have to doubt anything.

Michael is ineligible for the MR waiver in Iowa. I should be happy he scored so highly. I should be proud of my little man for all he has overcome and progressed in this short time. Yet the disappointment over-powers that pride. I was really counting on that waiver so that I could have something to push at the state so they would help find and approve a daycare. So I could apply for SSI and get a car so I could have a hope of working again. I feel so selfish, was I looking to cash in on Michael? I have been surviving on nothing for so long, and all I could think about is the little help and what we could actually do with a little more money.

Have you ever had one of those movie moments where you are on repeat mode, where you almost vision an echo of something somebody is saying? Maybe all I could focus on was the words I never expected to hear. I know my son is not mentally retarded. But I was told for Autism I had to file under that waiver. Only according to this woman he is not showing any typical results of an autistic child on his tests.  read more »

Where do you find your strength from? They say a mother can rise to any occasion, but I wonder if that is really true. When does giving more than what you have become too hard or breaks you down? It seems like every day is a roller coaster. Somedays I feel like I can conquer the world, others I want to hide from it. I could lie and say these days rotate by what is on the calendar, but nothing can change between two days and my whole emotional state of being may flop or fly.

Sometimes I would give anything for a shouler to lean on. I wish I could act my age. But choices I made 4 years ago changed everything. I love Michael more than anything in life, and I feel horridly guilty for those feelings. I wish I could find a source of strength that would help me be really strong rather than faking a smile for sanity's sake.

I have strange ideas for things, I know. I like to pretend that I am a writer, it is a dream of my own for being published some day. I write for two sites but have not submitted more than poetry of late. Actually not even that lately. *smacks own hand* I have thought about writing up a few articles about my ASD experience. Surprisingly there are not as many entries in that section as I had thought, so if I really pour my heart into it, there are few reasons I cannot earn a few cents (or possibly more) a month on the articles. (I can give anybody who wants more information about writing for the site in a private message) Last night I was flipping through American Baby (for some reason I have a free subscription because I am "pregnant"m no clue how that happened) and realized that they rarely talk about the things that could go wrong with our babies. I have never seen an article on ASD or even Down Syndrome. I realize they do not want to scare young parents ect, but statistics are going up. Magazines need to start thinking about single, younger, and special needs parents in parts of their articles.

Yes that ramble has a point. Reading the newbie blog of a new member I had another strange thought. And this one I am not pushing much at the moment it is more of a pipe dream. What if we compliled testimonies of the "Auti-Mom" (& Dad) into a book. Since no two ASD children are the same. It would be like a normal variety population version of Jenny's book. Since that is harder to accomplish, it made me think smaller scale. Yes it has been a morning of power thoughts. And since we slept way in, it has been a hour of thoughts. And more keep coming even as I write this.  read more »

As a teenager I was taught that measles was more a condition of the past. I had never heard of anybody getting it. Actually funny story, Michael's paternal grandmother once was going off how there could be a biological war with measles virus because kids are no longer vaccinated. I guess the old shots or something left scars. We were watching some documentary at the time. I am not really close to Michael's paternal family so of course I remained silent because I really did not know about vaccines. Of course after that Michael was given the MMR.

I heard there was an outbreak of Measles in another state but never really thought about it. I got off the phone with my neighbor a bit ago. Her son is sick, they do not know what is wrong with him, but his paternal grandmother pays more attention to the news and stuff. I guess there was 60 some cases here, and one was a kid who was vaccinated.

I am not saying go out and get your kids jabbed. But even though Michael is ASD I am relieed he had the shot. I could not imagine losing a child to measles, or having him blinded or brain damaged by the fevers. 

Why doesn't the government and all the top hospitals of the world get rid of the frozen viruses of the past so there are no longer any risks of redevelopment of these things...

I just got off the phone with Michael's teacher, who turns out to now be his case manager rather than the Area Education Agency which was news to me, but not disturbing news. A summer program has been designed specifically for Michael and one other child, since their need is unnusual. I guess this is the only year he will qualify so I definately will not complain. He will have 5 weeks spread out over the summer where he will go 2 days a week for an hour or so. And then I am going to get him re-evulated by the CAMPS, which honestly I do not know what it stands for. He will see the occupational and speech therapist again if they approve him to start work again. Only this time I am going to lay down my foot, he sees one set and only one set of therapists. Last time he would see one set for a few weeks then boom go back to working with another. For occupational therapy this was not such a problem, but I would prefer the speech therapist to remain the same. I am hoping they will work more on sign language since that has really helped him thus far, even with his limited knowledge.

I am happy they finally figured that out.

No I do not think I am. As a normal mid-western teen girl I had a few little bouts with depression. But compare myself mentally to some of the other girls I ran around with, I was beyond the degree of normal... Maybe there is something to the following study I will paste, but I am probably too sensitive, but I almost deleted it and thought "jerk doctors" but I guess there may be something to it. From what I have concluded about my fellow posters here on AB, we all seem like normal ASD non-psychotic mothers. Of course one of us may have a pysciatric disorder, I do not mean to judge or be rude towards you.

A brief review of: Daniels, J.L., Forssen, U., Hultman, C.M., Cnattingius, S., Savitz, D.A., Feychting, M., Sparen, P. (2008). Parental Psychiatric Disorders Associated With Autism Spectrum Disorders in the Offspring. PEDIATRICS, 121(5), e1357-e1362. DOI: 10.1542/peds.2007-2296

The journal of Pediatrics just published a population study based on the national Swedish registry, which examined the association between parental psychiatric history and autism. The authors compared the parental psychiatric of 1,227 of children with autism spectrum disorder and 30,925 typically developing children. Children were identified as having autism spectrum disorder if they were born between 1977 and 2003 and had a diagnosis of ASD recorded in the registry between 1987 and 2003.  read more »

I do no know how many of you are Country music listeners, but I suggest checking out the video to Standing Outside The Fire by Garth Brooks. It turns the meaning of the song to something completely new, and I admit I tear up nearly every time I wach it. I think about all the obstacles we and our children will face, especially in school. I will post the lyrics for you.

Many times us ASD parents think of each day as merely surviving. But if you really think about it, we are the ones living it. We do not let each day pass us by without notice, because each day is a struggle or confusion, pain, and knowledge. Think of how much we are taught about child development because we are taking the extreme route rather than with the "normal child" I guess I can appreciate different things in life more because I know I worked for them, and someday when Michael and I are where I am trying so hard to acheive, I can sit back and know I deserve it.

Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks  read more »

It is a flushing urinal. I imagine this would be more natural to teach a boy how to pee, starting it off standing. Michael actually did better when he was able to stand at the toilet. He had great aim at first, now he likes to see how he can change the flow's direction.

I just wish Michael would poop. Actually I have him sitting on the toilet with a book giving him his privacy but I do not have my hopes up.