Regarding the cause of autism, we've probably all heard the theory, "Genetics loads the gun but Environment pulls the trigger." It's that pulling the trigger part that really destroys me. For two years now I've been relentlessly blaming myself in a ceaseless lament of what if's. What if I had used a different shampoo, deoderant, not eat any fish or soy, not had new carpet put into the nursery--what if those carpet chemicals were the straw that broke the camel's back? What if I had only eaten organic food and never from plastic containers? What if I had used different baby bottles? What if I had never eaten out in places where they probably cook with aluminum or non-stick cookware? What if I had lived somewhere else where they weren't spraying toxic chemicals in the flower fields and doing intensive mosquito abatement in our lagoons? Did you know that the statistic for autism will soon be increased from 1 in 150 to 1 in 80 children? Well whatever $%*&@#$$$@$ corporation that produced these toxic mystery chemicals of mass destruction, well I hope those executives ROT IN HELL!

What really chips away at me is wondering what this "environmetal trigger" might be doing to ME. If my son was affected by this "trigger" than perhaps I am not immune to these chemicals. Perhaps I or my husband genetically susceptible to "environmental triggers" of Alzheimers and dementia. If these "triggers" can alter my child's brain, then what might they do to me over time? And the curse is that I don't even know what these "triggers" are for sure.

I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that there is nothing that I could have done, that we were victims, that it is not my fault, that now that we have an awareness that there is a problem. We can work toward protecting ourselves and toward rehabilitation and recovery. We have to believe that someday this epidemic will STOP--through either a cure or the discovery of a chemical culprit. We have to be strong to be there for our kids.