Sometimes when you are lost, the only option is to wait until darkness falls and you can find your star leading home. When this is done figuratively, it cannot be done simply when the sun sets. There are emotional clouds that need to be blown to the side so that the stars may shine and sparkle.
My absence was voluntary so that I could take some time to think for myself and try to find my way. Cutting out all the extras is sometimes how I concentrate on what needs to be done for myself. I feel as if I have been lost in a maze. Every time I think I have found the path out, I find myself facing another wall.
I think when you read somebody else's story you only see the black and white. You can think about what you would do in that situation, but in truth you cannot honestly gauge how you would react. You may think you would be one way, but in truth you cannot account for how the path or fall into that life would change you. Often that part of the story is not shared either. To another the story is black and white, but to the person the story is narrating, it is full of grey shadows and hidden print between the lines.
None of us have the right to tell somebody else how to feel or act, especially to act without considerations for another's feelings. We can give our suggestions, but pushing our thoughts and morals onto somebody else will only bring them down on themselves. I think by putting ourselves out there, we invite judgement when in truth we are looking for support. Also, sometimes we think we may be dishing out a platefull of wisdom meant in a supportive way, it comes accross as judgemental or is misunderstood. The internet is a very opinionated place. A crime we are all guilty of is pushing our opinions on others.
I hate being a single mother. I hate it with a passion. There are times I wish only for somebody to lean on when Michael goes to bed. Or somebody else to take him to the numerous appointments. I do find myself jealous of some of the married mothers that I know. Perhaps I am a hypocrite because I do not regret never thinking of marriage when I got pregnant. We were not in love, and it would have ruined our lives. I am not trying to find true love in somebody new. In truth I am unsure I even want to be married, let alone in a committed relationship. I do not want to ask somebody to take on so much responsibility with me and Michael. Those are my decisions to make. Only I can decide what my heart is willing to wait for, or risk. Right now, as lonely as it sometimes is, it is easier to concentrate on my son without any distractions. He deserves to be the only concern in my mind.
Being a single mother, there is also another side of the story. The tale of a single mother is like the moon. You can only see one side. When it is the mother spinning the story, it looks bright. The father is hidden either in the shadows, or in most cases the dark side of the moon. I am certain to those around David, I am the one in the shadows. On my side, the only things known about David is what I show.
The story of a single mother should never be taken as Biblical Truth. It is biased with love, hate, resentment, hope, and a million more indescribable emotions. Maybe that is why I fight so hard to defend my son's father. I know him in ways none could see, and I often feel ridden with guilt when my statements about him are laced with conflicting emotions. I also know I pull too much resentment from my own father's actions into what I expect from him.
Maybe part of me is still at an age where nothing seems fair. I try to appear as if I am collected and accept my life as it is. But I feel as if my life has been wasted. I feel as if I have been a let-down for my son's future. Then I find myself so grateful that I am not a mother who cannot get her own selfishness under wraps and have to fight with Social Services to keep my child. I know my son will always have me and not cry because his mother left for the night again... I rejoice in the fact that my son's condition is not life threatening. Of all the things that could have gone wrong, there is hope for Michael. Though I have hard decisions yet to be made, I at least have choices. But with this multiple personality/stand on the situation, through it all I still wonder why it happened and wish for an easier way.
In the last week I have tried to sort through a jumble of problems my son and I are facing. In some cases I am no closer to a solution. Others I think I have found a conclusion.
I think an important one being how I choose to open up mine and my son's lives to the internet. Since I clearly cannot handle some of the judgement and being told what choice to make, rather than looking for support on the internet for mine and Michael's situation, I will instead simply share my experiences, things that cannot be shaped or bring me down by other's opinions because they have already happened. This way I cannot misunderstand anybody offering their two cents.
I apologize if this offended anybody. I just feel as I had things that needed to be said. These things have been plaguing me for awhile and I felt it better for me to take an absense and hold my tongue until I could best describe the thoughts in a less upsetting demeaner. I would understand if I were no longer welcome here.
-Holly
Please note that this was also written before reading of comments and private messages.
It took me 20 minutes to
It took me 20 minutes to read though all the comments. Just grateful my migraines are over.
Michael has alot coming up for him, and I have no clue what I am going to do, but like all mothers face with difficult decisions, I will just go on each day trying my best.
Sorry to hear about the
Sorry to hear about the migraines, those are just the worst. The only thing that helps me is sleep.
We know you do your absolute best with Michael. You are a wonderful mother!
The bottom line, I think, is
The bottom line, I think, is that we all care about you and Michael and we all want you to come back and feel welcome here. You are always welcome here and many of your posts and insights have enriched our lives and we all miss you. Remember "standing inside the fire..."
I missed you! The blog
I missed you! The blog site wasn't quite the same without you, and I felt that especially keenly because you took a break right when I came back.
I think there is something in the bible about everything having a season. Sometimes that means you need to take shelter from a blizzard or a heat wave. Sometimes it means going out into the sunshine or making snowmen for a while. And sometimes it means that it is time to move on to a whole new season of your life, like when we all became parents.
Well, I don't want to get to philosophical and hand you a deep-dish pizza of wisdom this afternoon. I do like to pose a lot of ideas and questions, don't I? That's just me.
Sometimes I think back on the decisions that I've made in my life and I wonder if I could have made other choices. But, even if I could go back in time, I would still feel the way that I did at that moment in time and I would probably make the same choices. For instance, I've never liked math, so I didn't try to pursue any course of study where I had to take even one math class. That closed the doors to many opportunties for me.
I'm glad that I did not marry any of my old boyfriends. Even when I try to picture myself with the nicest, most handsome and successful men I've ever met, I find that I am glad that I am not with them. It's just not meant to be and I would be unhappy, and I'm sure they would be, too. Well sure, maybe I could manage to have a little fun, but ultimately I would be sitting in the car with them one day and find myself wishing I were anywhere on earth rather than there listening to them go on about fly fishing, how they hate their mother, whatever!
P.S., there were a lot of
P.S., there were a lot of wonderful insights and points in your post! The school bus returned Wyatt home before I had a chance to type up some other things that came to mind while reading your blog.
One thing is, a lot of the time my husband and I are both so tired that neither one of us wants to stay up with Wyatt until we can send him off to sleep. So sometimes having a partner on your parent team doesn't help. In fact, energy gets wasted on bickering about who is responsible for what and when. The words, "I'm on strike" are often used in our house.
That thing about being jealous of couples is totally human nature. Like I said 100 times before, I didn't get married until I was over 30.
Anyway, a lot of times the grass is always greener, and people are not always happy, and people get divorced at a very high rate when special needs children are involved (higher stress levels). Most of the time people who had kids young wish they waited and lived their lives a bit more, and people who had kids when they were older are jealous of young mothers who have higher energy levels and who still look young and beautiful.
I was always jealous of young military wives. The fact that someone could get married at 18 and instantly have housing, travel to cool places, have medical insurance, get discounts, have future amazing retirement benefits, and preferential job opportunities, not to mention babies...and then to hear these women complain that their houses weren't big enough or whatever--that totally frosted me, a single person who lived at home and had no health insurance.
Okay, here's another deep-fried nugget of wisdom...don't worry about making any proclamations about marriage one way or another. In my own family, I've heard people swear they would never get married again, it's just a piece of paper, why bother, blah blah blah and then live together for 10 or 15 years and then suddenly decide they want to have that big party and ceremony. Conversely, there have been those who are desperate to get married that never do, or rush into it and then regret it for the next 10 or 15 years. I'm just saying, whatever will unfold in your life will unfold in its own time and you most likely will not be able to predict what will be in 5, 10, 20, 30, or 40 years from now.
Since we're talking about
Since we're talking about marriage. I met my husband 28 years ago this week.
We met July 8, 1980 & eloped thirteen days later. Our 28th anniversary is
July 21st. I cannot believe how fast the years have flown by. I was 18 & he
was 28. We got married so fast people thought I was pregnant (I wasnt)
and some had even bet we wouldnt last six months, all these years later Im
sure some lost money lol.
Happy Anniversary! My folks
Happy Anniversary! My folks didn't know each other for very long, either. She was 18 and he was 21 and they eloped, too. My dad looked a lot older than he was. My grandma was sure he was 35 and she demanded to see his driver's license.
Speaking of men, when I was
Speaking of men, when I was pregnant my husband and I had a running joke
that the babies father was George Clooney lol =)~~~
Using my best assessment and
Using my best assessment and in my humble opinion, everything posted by anyone (including myself) that I have read on this site was posted with a sincere desire to help you and Michael through what has obviously been a very tough time. None of us are experts though - just for the most part struggling moms like yourself.
Some of us (as I have indicated before) also struggle with personal autistic tendencies, which means we find writing effectively about social issues as difficult as we do speaking socially face to face. For myself, I do tend to perseverate and my posts tend become longer, circuitous and difficult to understand because I have great difficulty finding appropriate words. Even after several edits, I still find that some of them don't really express what I was actually trying, precisely to say. Such is the frustrating reality of "words."
In the last few weeks, there has also been some good-natured jabs being given and taken and some sarcastic humour. This sort of writing is frequently misinterpreted (particularly on the Net where a person's "face" cannot be read but the environment encourages "chat-like" lingo and familiarity). (Please note that I have not been offended by any of the jabs taken at me - or my porcupine - so far. From my perspective, they have all been in good fun.)
As a further point, I was of the understanding that blog comments are not always made to just provide helpful advice to the person who initiated the topic. I had intended some of mine to open up a wider, more in-depth debate on some important issues and as a (perhaps lame) attempt to draw additional people into the discussion (and ultimately onto the website). If I was out of line in this understanding, I will certainly stop posting comments directed to general populace rather than to the original poster.
For my part, Holly, if I posted anything that you found personally offensive rest assured that I never intended to personally offend you or anyone else on this site. If I did offend anyone, please send me a direct, private message setting out what you would like me to change and I will edit what I can (website technically speaking, some comments are no longer available for editing). You will note that I have already removed my own blog posts from the site and edited/cropped some of my remaining comments. You are, in my opinion, certainly still welcome on this website and I hope that you will interpret this post as my attempt (however awkward) to help you feel welcome on this website again.
Perseverence
In the recent past, I've
In the recent past, I've deleted and edited some of my previous posts for various reasons. One reason is that I don't want anyone to be offended. Like when I went off about people flaunting their trampolines :) See, there I go again! I'll probably go back and delete that last line in a couple of days.
Another reason I've edited some stuff is that I've invited some friends to read my blog. I certainly wouldn't want them to get mad reading about themselves on the internet :) even though I've never mentioned any names.
Even though I want to share some of my experiences with you all, I don't necessarily want every detail available forever, like my bad experience with the YMCA for example. Who knows, but Wyatt may improve so dramatically that I'll try the Y Child care center again in a couple of years. I wouldn't want them to print out my blog and put it in a file somewhere to use against my son.
Lastly, there are parts of my life that I cannot post here on the blog, like what's gone on with my son's IEP and school program/placement for the past year and probably next year. Part of it is under a legal confidentiality clause. Even though, in so many ways, you guys feel like my closest friends, I am prohibited from discussing such an important component of my son's life here on the blog.
I agree with you completely,
I agree with you completely, WyattsMom. It is difficult to comfortably balance the "personalness" of autism-related topics and the "publicness" of websites.
chicken bach bach lol
chicken bach bach lol =)~~~
sorry couldnt resist
I admit I can be a little
I admit I can be a little "over-reactionary" and I deleted several things that I'll probably regret very much deleting; but I also like the fluidity of the Internet where the ink is usually not indelible and things can be changed and are changed frequently. It's more exciting that way.
It is often said about people with ASDs that they are "routinized" and overly resistive to change. My son is a collector of everything and likes everything to always stay in one place. He often gets upset when I clean house (and move things around in the process). The permanence of things past is the foundation that he clings in a world in which the future confuses him daily.
However, I don't think these feelings are restricted to people with ASDs. I think these are feelings all of us share (autistic or not). The result, however, of his reaction is that I'm often afraid to change things around on him lest it trigger a tantrum or cause him inordinant distress.
Flipping the coin over though, change is something even he craves - he wants his peers to stop bullying him, he wants to move away from home and gain more independence, he wants to find a girlfriend, and now he wants to learn to drive a motorcycle... and I want to make all of these things happen for him too. In some of these cases (his moving out in particular), I'm the one afraid of the changes and what they mean for his future. Frankly, I worry about finding someday "out on the street" homeless and confused like so many people are these days. I want to keep him close and safe with me.
(OK, I'm perseverating... again, so I'll just close off).
This all brings to mind the words of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change those things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
This is another version of
This is another version of the Serenity Prayer. The differences are subtle, but perhaps significant to some:
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I should not change,
the courage to change those things I should,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Of course, then we also get into the dilemma, sometimes we shouldn't change things just because we can and we can't always change the things we should (OK - I'll think I'll send this one back to Socrates and Plato and those other long-dead Greeks and they can tussle with it for another 3000 years - lol).
Hugs, P... B0)
Hi Perseverence, I think its
Hi Perseverence,
I think its me she's referring to =( and by the way I miss the porcupine =(
I'll just sit here in the corner and keep my mouth shut for awhile at least.
((hugs)) Cindy
Okay Holly Im giving you a
Okay Holly Im giving you a big o' internet (((hug))). I for
one am proud of you. I dont want to start a big debate
on abortion here, in my case I would have never had
one but Im glad it exists... in any case honey you could
have easily gotten rid of that child but you didnt. When
we found out what was wrong with Marcel I realized I
had to simplify my life. I stopped worrying about things
that really didnt matter anymore & stopped hanging
around people who would drag us down emotionally.
A little suggestion and Im not nagging okay..... you need
to count your blessings. I remember a song from primary
when I was a little girl in church. Count your blessings,
count them one by one, count your many blessings, see
what God has done. Like you said Michael wont die
from this. You're young so he's got plenty of time with
mama. Holly my son is 8. Im 46 and my husband is
56. I worry about Marcels future. I am scared to death
he will end up in a institution. I cant even watch
movies like One Flew Over the Coocoos Nest or
Rainman or anything like that, its too hard on me.
Holly you are young and pretty and obviously smart.
And Im sorry if I tend to mother you but its because
I care. Dont you hate being a single mom. You are
doing pretty damn good for a young woman. Youre
going to be fine. And by the way you're right, words
can be so easily misunderstood. I care about you
Holly. Even though we will never meet I care about
you and that cute little angel of yours.
Glad to see you back....
Glad to see you back....