Today, on a saturday afternoon, when I was least expecting it, I got a call, from a lady at the Austism Society of Co.  It was clear very quickly, at long last, I was really talking to someone who knew what I needed to know.  Over the next 45 minutes I filled three pages of notes as I asked her question after question.  SSI, yes; Join advocacy group, yes; Yes you need respite care and here is where to go, apply for this, don't apply for that, and a whole host of other ideas I had gotten no where near before today.  Things like a back and forth book, and sensory diet, things that make a ton more sense then the things that I have become accustomed to hearing about when it comes to treating autism.  It was truely a revelation of a conversation, and I thanked her profusely and called her an angel, which to me, today, she was.

And for whatever reason, it seems the switch that needed thrown finally went, it has seemed since the moment I got off the phone, that I am seeing my son a little bit differently than I had been seeing him lately.  I saw just my son, different as he is, and loved him, just as he is, something I had not felt in a while.  I had been feeling betrayed, that I do so much for him, and it has seemed that he tries so hard to sabotage my efforts.  I had been feeling that my compassion for him had all but fled, but suddenly understanding has me doing a 180.  I know things are still going to be hard, but I got my first shred of hope in a long time so I am grabbing on and I am beyond thankful. 

Over the last few days I have been thinking that denial, on my part, has been playing a much larger role in my attitude than I had previously  believed... perhaps all the crying and whining has all been about trying to come around to accepting the way things are and are likely to stay.  Hopefully today I got a step closer.

Btw, thanks everyone, this website is really great, and I plan on sticking around :)