Hello,
This is not a blog about a parents reaction to an autistic child, it is not a mindless rant on how bad my life is, it's not, it is something that i want to say, and i want response, positive, not just grow up and deal with it, it's not that easy. I'm not going to give my name. Frankly i don't want to. I want to be honest though. I am the younger brother of someone with high-functioning autism. I am 18, he is 20. For most of my life i have kept this hidden, none of my friends new, i was ashamed, not in the way of "oh my brother is disabled, that is wrong!" i was ashamed in the way that i had a brother that was prone to outburst that i classified as wars, not daily battles. I am not saying that my brother is a monster, he is far from that. I have realized that now and it only took 10 years. I figured that this place this anonymity that i have found will help. I have a lot of grief that i have stored in my mind, there are things that throughout my life have been enforced into my memory as bad and traumatic. for example, when he was younger, my brother slammed doors when he was angry, not the gently loud slam, the house shaking slam, the slam where you could feel the vibrations ressinating from the source. He doesn't do that as frequently anymore, but...to me, when i hear that, when i feel the vibrations traveling up my spine i become paralyzed, i freeze.
My brother is making progress, he has stopped bursting on a daily basis, now it is only on bad things, i am able to comunicate with him about important things. we fight like normal siblings, but i no longer have the fear of infurating him and sending him into a rage. but i used to. I wish i could be in a room with these people who preceed me, so i can show my emotions, tell you with my voice the thigns that i have gone through, not for a purely charthic reason, but for experience sharing, for mothers and fathers who have both an autistic and a "normal" children. I have an idea what it is like to raise a child with autsim, i know that it is painstaking, that it's hard, that it wears you down. Yet, i have never seen a parent give up, to stop, to admit defeat...i am astounded by the conviction these parents have, the strugles they face every day. I don't have that.
I have fears, i have worries, i wonder if i were to have children would i have the same chance? i know i would love my child, i know i would do anything for them. but the worry, the fear is constant, it won't go away.
this is sounding like a fear driven rant about an 18 year old who doesn't understand how the world works, and to tell you the truth, it's true. I don't know how the world works, i know that. i don't know much outside of academics.
thank you for listening...if you have coments or if there is something you want to say, leave one or email it to me at seveni1423@gmail.com
Finally, we hear from a
Finally, we hear from a sibling! My daughter who is now 17 is just starting to voice her feelings on what it has been like for her with a younger brother with Aspergers. As a parent, I knew at the time I was neglecting some of her needs while my time was so consumed dealing with Ryan but didn't know how to make extra time.
She didn't have the fear you mentioned and perhaps that was because she was older but she wasn't physically bigger so I had fear for her safety when he was in 'meltdown'.
I think you should keep this message in front of parents of autistic childlren who also have 'normal' children who need parenting too. One of our best summers was when their absentee Dad decided he could take each child for two weeks separately. They got respite from each other for a month and each child had full attention from a parent for a month.
I'm in the process of building a content-rich website and wanted my daughter to write a section on the effects on siblings but so far, she has not complied with that request. If you want to have your information published on a website to try to build awareness for sibling issues, I would be glad to publish it on my site. Keep on writing because this is an important issue that parents need to keep at the top of their mind.
HI surreptitiousbrother,
HI surreptitiousbrother,
I'm responding because I am a parent of an autistic child and a "normal child". My youngest (has autism) is 5 and his sister (normal) is 7.
It must be really hard to grow up with a sibling that is affected by autism, I think about my daughter alot. How it's not her fault that she is stuck in the situation with her brother. She see's other children that have brothers/sisters that are normal and I know that she feels resentment sometimes toward her brother. I wish I could help you with your understanding of the world, only thing I can think to say is something that I hate being told myself. You say that you don't know how the world works, well all I can really say is that no one really does. It's a scary thought but it turns out ok later as you get older. I figure that you have a lot of feeling that don't always match up with your friends, my daughter says the same thing. I know the feeling too. What you might need to remember is that it's not your fault and never will, I know that is soooooooo easy to say rather than do. If you hate your brother some, that's ok. I wouldn't blame you at all. Anyone would be frustrated and feel alone. I know i feel guilty when I feel resentment for my son, I deserve to a lil I figure. I don't want you to go hate him altogether but to hate him some seems pretty human to me. over all i'm sure that you love him. I've learned that suppressing hate or frustration inside just to try and be "Right" as in (wrong or right) just eventually hurts and breaks you. I hope that you can find someone to relate to so you can vent about the things your brother does to get under your skin. My son really P*sses me off when he rips up papers or electronics or anything he can get his hands on so he can throw it in the air and watch it fall. I know he doesn't know what he is doing but it still makes me mad, and it makes me more mad to hear someone tell me that i'm not suppose to be mad because it's not his fault. Makes me feel like it's my fault when it isn't. Truth is, it's nobodies fault. (I hate hearing that too) Man I hope that your brother gets better and communicates more. Who knows, maybe he will stop slamming the damn doors. (my son does that too). I wish I could advise you more on how to deal with it but i kinda have to be there to see his reactions and whatnots to give good advice. Maybe this, I try to do something to show that he is predictable. Like for door slamming I would put silly putty on the top of the door seal so that when he slams it, it just gooshes and doesn't "slam" it foils the attempt to get under your skin. Though i must say that that will probably make him mad LOL. BUT, it gets your point across no matter how "communication disabled" you are. I don't like the door slammed so I did an "action" to stop it. Then next time he goes to slam the door, he will have to check and see if there is putty on the door seal. breaking his habbitual process.
I wanted to pass info along
I wanted to pass info along about this website. It is a great communication tool for people with or without autism, and a portion of the subscriptions is donated to research. It's fun site.
http://www.fakebuddy.com