Home / Blogs / Kaden's Mommy's blog / Obsessive Oblivion

Obsessive Oblivion

Kaden's Mommy's picture
Submitted by Kaden's Mommy on Wed, 06/27/2012 - 00:36

I find myself mindlessly googling "autism" at random times throughout the day.

I've seen the same google results page at least 300 times. I don't know why I keep doing this. Kaden is still the same little boy who I love and cherish endlessly. My thoughts are consumed with questions about his future. I can't stand this factor of the unknown. I can't stand hearing people talk about how bright and gifted and wonderful their children are. I can't focus on anything but this anymore- it is like I'm in a state of obsessive oblivion.

Autism is for the rest of his life- the rest of our lives. The magnitude of forever just doesn't sit well with me. 

I need some better coping skills, although typing it out on a blog is better than holding it in. Well, in my eyes anyway. I can only talk about it in a generic sense without getting too in-depth because then I just cry and I hate the feeling of hopelessness that overcomes me. 

I suppose healing will take time.

Comments

5
seebert's picture
Submitted by seebert on Wed, 06/27/2012 - 11:21

My initial introduction to the world of autism was online- but back when the web was in its infancy, so on Usenet News Groups.  A doctor had mentioned that the medicine my migraines react to MIGHT indicate autism.  And in the midst of a heavy theological/philosophical discussion on politics, somebody mentioned that I might be autistic and I should check out alt.autism, which at the time was full of neurodiversity people like Temple Grandin, Simon ben Cohen, and the Institute for the Study of the Neurologically Typical (ISNT).

This was, of course, a good 5 years before I ever heard of ASAN and it was before the diagnosis explosion.

It was from interacting with those good high functioning autistics and therapists that I found the DSM-IV.  Not trusting myself to self-diagnosis, I went to see a local therapist, who confirmed, through a series of tests, that I was autistic.  Since then I've had an MRI that confirmed that my brain fits that 67% of high functioning autistics in structure- shrunken communications and social areas, expanded analytical areas (Einstien's brain, when it was disected after death, showed the same pattern).  

Suddenly my life made sense.

Since then, I've done the same- googling autism from time to time to get the latest news.  Lately though, this wonderful blog with it's news feed is my best bet, though I still subscribe to several e-mail newsletters from both the cure and neurodiversity camps.

seebert's picture
Submitted by seebert on Wed, 06/27/2012 - 11:29

P.S.- you might want to check out my "False Hope?" post for links to examples of how your son *might* turn out.  The answer is:  Not that bad if you do right by him.  And even the 97% of autistics who *do* end up with some level of dependence, often go on to lead very happy lives governed by the routine they need.

Developmental Delay is not Death.  Developmental Delay is not Developmental Stasis.  And while many of us have a bad "childhood" before age 18 or so, having an extended "childhood" of two to four decades gives us time to make up for it somewhat.

I only feel like I've arrived at adulthood in the last couple of years with my finally hitting 50% of the supposed salary range for my profession and my volunteer work with the homeless and Knights of Columbus.  I finally feel like my own special needs son has the father he deserves, rather than just the father he was saddled with.

Kaden's Mommy's picture
Submitted by Kaden's Mommy on Thu, 07/12/2012 - 00:59

Thank you for the enlightment. I appreciate it. It seems like you have everything figured out. I hope my son will too.

LalasMom's picture
Submitted by LalasMom on Thu, 06/28/2012 - 17:18

Dear Kaden's Mom,

     When I read, "I hate the feeling of hopelessness that overcomes me," I knew exactly what you were feeling. I have done my share of crying and I know I will continue to cry some more (I am sensitive and then some).  The first year was so difficult.  The second year is better.  Surround yourself with people who are encouraging and positive.  When I was low they would lift me up (some days a little and some days a lot).  Most importantly you are not in this alone.  You were chosen to be blessed with Kaden and he with you.  He is bright and gifted and wonderful in his own way.  That is what makes him special (but you already knew this).  :)

     My daughter was not potty trained until she was late 4 and she is still not at 100%.  My friends have daughters her age that were potty trained at two.  They also can carry on a reciprocal conversation and do what most 5 year olds can do.  I used to compare but it didn't get me anywhere.  I look at her now and ask myself, "how far has she come?"  A year ago she could not write her name, say "excuse me" when she wanted to speak and is having less melt downs when you tell her no.  Every night she wants to tell me something.  She talks but there is no order to her talking.  I just listen and wonder how this will sound a year from now.  

You hit the nail on the head, the healing will take time.

Sincerely,

LalasMom

Kaden's Mommy's picture
Submitted by Kaden's Mommy on Thu, 07/12/2012 - 00:58

Thank you. It is so nice to hear fro someone who has been through it. Thank you so much.