Have you ever considered becoming a surrogate? Not a traditional surrogate where you supply the egg, but what is known as a gestational surrogate. There was a recent article in Time magazine about that interviewed among many other mothers, a mother of an ASD child. She said she was going to use the money (average $20 to $40k per delivery) for a therapy room for her child. What surprised me was that the parents didn't have any reservations about having an ASD mom as a surrogate because they felt that autism is mostly genetic anyway. (They were European, maybe that made a difference in the view of ASD?) That blew me away because I myself was not convinced that genetics play such a large role.
My husband would love it if I earned some extra money as a surrogate. What do you guys think? I also placed this topic in the forum section but I was afraid no one would look there.
I've been a surrogate mother
I've been a surrogate mother twice. I've even written a book about it.
I would not see being a parent of an ASD child as a reason not to become a surrogate. As far as concerns go, whether it is hereditary or it is environmental, it really wouldn't be a concern. So long as you followed all the pregnancy "rules", there would be no reason for potential intended parents to ever think that their child could have Autism based on their carrier.
But before you get too excited, also realize that they average payment is more like $18-22K. It is rare to get so high as $30K, and that is only for someone who has done it before. I work with a hard to place group, international intended parents, and charge a flat fee, and would never get $40k. That just doesnt happen.
The most important thing is that you are healthy and your pregnancies went well. I honestly do not see the Autism as an issue, either with the potential parents or any clinic.
Hope this helps!
I have thought of being a
I have thought of being a surrogate for a friend of mine, but I never thought you could earn 20K or more for being a surrogate. Although I am not sure I would want to walk around pregnant all the time. People assuming I got knocked up, or asking me about the baby that is not mine. I think it is worth more looking into though.
It would be weird explaining
It would be weird explaining the pregancy, yes. Oddly, in the Time article, the moms said that the people who responded badly to surrogacy was their own extended family. One reason might be because people can have a lot of prejudices and the biological parents might be, well, anyone. Also, family wouldn't want you to potentially risk your health. Some people argue that it is renting your body out in an intimate, degrading way. Another view is that surrogacy is in the Bible, so how bad could it be? Personally, I think it could be a beautiful experience to help someone have a family.
But aside from moral and pscyhological issues, I am 37 and to be a surrogate they like you to be under 40. Actually, a lot of places like you to be under 37. Also, I am on high blood pressure medication, probably because I am chunky, so I don't know if I would even qualify to be a surrogate. You have to have a BMI of under 35 which I am definitely below, but just for my personal comfort level, I would rather weigh less before I filled out any applications. So, I guess for me it just boils down to losing weight before I get too old to be considered, and it may already be too late. I wish I had thought of this a few years ago.
My weight too has become a
My weight too has become a problem. I also have coxcydynia (if I spelled that right, I cannot even say it) which is basically a slightly out of place tailbone. I am afraid to have more children of my own, that being one partial reason. Also being afraid that Michael would be the child needing the most and losing to a sibling. Or the sibling being normal and passing him up. Or another ASD child who is more severe than my son. And of course the main factor, being a single mother and Michael's father barely being there. But the idea of giving live to someone else is beautiful. I have two friends who cannot have children, they have been trying so long, and it just tears me up to see their pain.
Being 22 you do have time on
Being 22 you do have time on your side. About the tailbone issue, if you decided to have another baby and you didn't have your heart set on VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarian), you could have a say in choosing your child's birthdate with a scheduled C-section. If you waited six or seven years to have another baby then Michael would be --13 or so (?) before his sibling was chatting up a storm. So you do have time, and since you are single, you might meet someone, fall in love, and think about having another baby.
Here's a long story from my past: I had a foster sister--well not a real foster sister but a girl I met in the 9th grade when I started high-school in a new town. My dad had started a new job a few counties away and he and I lived there in a tiny studio apartment for a month to scout things out while my mother stayed behind. When the job didn't work out, my dad and I moved back home and my new friend wrote me a letter and asked me if she could come and live with me. Her dad was working as a dishwasher, she was afraid of her uncle, and her mother loved her dearly but couldn't support both her and her baby brother. I know it seems crazy, but my parents said yes, maybe because they wanted to help someone and maybe because they felt bad that I didn't have any siblings.
Even though my dad had no job, we did have a nice spread in the country on a couple of acres with a pool, a fruit orchard, and a rose garden. It was a nice place to be. Soon, we not only had my foster sister staying with us but my two cousins who were also my age. We were so broke that Christmas that for gifts we collectively receive a value package of underwear, highlighter pens, and Hershey's kisses.
In her senior year, my foster sister decided to live with another family. She felt it was time to move on. My feelings were hurt and I didn't quite understand why she wanted to leave, but I accepted it. We weren't as close after that. But she moved away and got together with the boy that lived next door to that family. She was nine months pregnant at our graduation in '88 and she gave her son up for adoption. It's hard to put my feelings into words here--but, I knew she was the sort of person who would have been happier keeping the baby. I probably put that really lamely. But she did keep in touch with the adoptive parents and her son was always right there in her heart and mind, all the time, --and here is what happened in her life right after she gave up her baby:
A boy who had been in love with her at first sight, a shy but nice guy with beautiful dark blue eyes and chocolate brown hair, confessed to her that he'd loved her all this time and he married her soon after. They had another baby, a boy, who only lived two hours because of a congenital defect. I went to visit her maybe six months after the fact. She was devastated. She showed me an entire photo album of her hospital experience, she was crying, she wanted to know why I hadn't come to her wedding...I felt so mentally small and immature, all this that she was going through while I was a couple of hours away taking a dumb History of China class and drawing pictures of my own feet in art. I had absolutely no concept of the scope of pain, and honestly, I didn't want to feel it--to think about it--but now, oh NOW, I have an inkling.
She and John had four more children together, all girls, and she has been in touch with her son and things are going so well. I guess I don't really have a specific point to this story except I'm sure at graduation in '88 my friend had no idea that she would go on to have five more kids.
But, in my situation, I am an older mom. I have met other parents of ASD children who have tried again and had a child with Down's and other disabilities separate from ASD. That would be so difficult, to basically become an expert about dealing with Autism and then to have to learn to deal with Down's, CP, or something rare and "incurable." It is very scary to me.
Well they do not do VBAC's
Well they do not do VBAC's here locally, if you insist on them you have to go to the city so they can dedicate more staff to the delivery. Personally my heart would not be broken there.
I used to want more children. Until Michael's father had another daughter and I know how he gets her on weekends and when her mother calls he is there. Yet he is 7 hours away from us and can not even pick up the phone. It kills me thinking how Michael gets less love when he should be equal. I admit I still love David, and he had asked me to move in with him so we can work it out. He seems to think we are still so close, yet my heart is breaking. It is a year in a half later and I am still here, and he has not seen or called Michael in 6 months. I have a nasty track history of dating losers. After Michael was born I fell in love with someone who seemed perfect. He had another kid on the way, but she had married someone else. He loved Michael. He seemed to love me. Then suddenly he started acting like some of his friends and then cheating on me. That engagement went up in smoke, and when he left, Michael seemed to crash and burn. Maybe it was coincidence, but right after he left I noticed the changes in Michael. He became afraid of men and stopped babbling. I have been scared to have Michael get attatched again and have the guy walk out and him get hurt again. But of course that happens with his dad too...
I have not been surgically fixed yet, so I suppose maybe time will change and I will find myself in a better situation to have another child. Only time will know.
Oh heck, my idea for an
Oh heck, my idea for an Autism Single Parents website has sort of been taken! Oh, I am so bummed! Well, actually, I Googled the subject and found a dating service website http://www.singleautismparents.net/default.asp
but I actually envisioned something more along the lines of babysitting co-ops and people sharing stuff like good divorce lawyers, ideal job or job share and resource ideas and IEP goals. And also it would be great if the website was free.
Seriously, I hear the same scenario all the time, where the husband/dad/wife/girlfriend can't deal with the whole special needs situation and splits. And very often the caretaker mom/dad can't find childcare and then can't work and so on. So I think it would be great if there was a forum/website/blog wholly dedicated to singleton parents of ASD kids.
Anyway, I've been dying to have a chunk of time to write a big honking in-depth reply re all of the David/post-David details. That means writing about my dating-of-losers dating history prior to my 30th birthday. (I didn't get married until just a couple of weeks before my 32nd birthday).
Maybe I will go back, way back, to 1985 where I too was in love with a guy named David. Only, my David eventually came out of the closet, moved to Florida, and changed his name to Rod. I didn't find that out until years later, all that time feeling super unattractive, I mean I had practically thrown myself at him with no response from him. I thought it was weird that he had a poster of Amy Grant on his wall and even weirder that his sisters all looked like Amy Grant. I really should have known. Well, back then I really didn't know there was such a thing as Gaydar, let alone that mine was seriously off.
Go figure it is a dating
Go figure it is a dating site. But you have a good idea. There are so many groups and forums but you never really find one that seems like home... I have found some sites that seem like highschool all over again. You would think ASD mothers would be more compassionate.
David to Rod... Not sure how that works. But it is scary because I dated a Rod too. After Michael was born. He was kind of my bounce back and it fell apart because of David but oh well. I could never imagine a David changing his name to Rod.
The David thing for me is crazy. My biological father. My stepfather (who is actually my Father'sx wifes new husband-I kept her in the divorce and dumped dear old dad) and my brother. And then my first love one of my best friends and father of my son all wrapped up in one... All the more reason to never name my child David.
I guess I exaggerated when I
I guess I exaggerated when I said David changed his first name to Rod, but it became his stage name when he won the bodybuilding title of Mr. Gay Ft. Lauderdale. So, you know, the name is also a double entendre or euphemism, kind of like calling breasts "melons"
Oh I misread that one
Oh I misread that one completely. OOPS.
I should have ended things
I should have ended things after the first date with most of the guys I dated instead of staying in a relationship for months.
Except for a hog-wild European spring break in college [funded by Great Grandma] (who can resist a handsome guy with a sexy accent?) , I didn't date at all until I was about 25 or so. Part of that was because all of my old friends had moved away, I had a really awful job, and I had gained two or three dress sizes as a result. Men my age seemed really immature to me and I did not have a lot of confidence in myself. Zero confidence.
At 25 I got a slightly better semi-permanent job and I was lucky that I also made one close friend. She was married but all her friends were single. So I started going out in a group of friends to movies, rollerblading, snorkeling, etc. I lost weight. But no dates. Mind you, I still lived at home and I had The Worst Car Ever (an old Oldsmobile that had hideous body damage--my fault-- and was always breaking down). So I turned to Internet Dating as in free local chat rooms. Yeah, I guess it was my virtual bar and party scene.
Anyway, I met lots of people. I sort of considered myself adventurous and open-minded. After a few years though it felt really stale, kind of like a Groundhog Day date that I kept reliving over and over. It got so old that I took a year off from dating (also I had a bad break-up) and that is when my best girl friend and I made The List. The List was easy to make because by then I knew what I definitely did NOT want:
Chris a.k.a. Pig Pen (that's what my mom called him): Always forgetting where he put his keys and his wallet. It was like dating an Alzheimer's dude. We broke up because, after we stopped at the ATM and I repeatedly asked him if he had enough money for his movie ticket and he kept insisting that he did, we got to the movies and he said, "Uh, I don't have any money." This was not the first time that happened. I guess I got a little mad because I literally kicked him in the behind, uh, several times, and the ticket taker suggested that I finish beating my boyfriend up in the parking lot. That's when I realized that I couldn't be with someone who drove me to violence, however silly the violence.
Paul a.k.a. Foot Guy. Paul had something wrong with his feet and tendonds and he sort of goose stepped everywhere. I didn't mind this, I mean, I don't make fun of people's disabilities, but it was truly annoying the way he would look for the absolute furthest parking spot away from where we were going. It wasn't because he needed the exercise for therapy, no, it was because he didn't want to park next to other cars for fear of damage. Um, hello, I already explained that I drove the ultimate beater. And then there was the way he would insist, "NO CHEESE!!!" when we were ordering Chinese. As far as I know, broccoli beef and cashew chicken are not, and will NEVER be, served with a sprinkling of cheese. But the most annoying thing about him was that he would completely and totally lie to me about the dumbest things. I could have seen him do something, and he knew I saw him, and he would STILL deny it.
Mark a.k.a. Mark with a "k" since my husband turned ot to be Marc with a "c": Even if Mark and I had plans, if his friends called him last minute he would ask me to change our plans and go hang out with the friends. If I didn't want to, we would have a big fight. I never even asked him to hang out with my friends because the one time we did it didn't go well. Also, Mark took himself very seriously, so I couldn't resist bursting his bubble and teasing him about how his hair dye job went wrong (well, it did!) even though he paid a lot of money for it and that his current pair of glasses made his nose look snout-like (his friends agreed). So, needless to say, it didn't work out.
Mike: No nickname, but I coud call him Mr. Money because he was always telling me I didn't make enough of it. He made lots and lots of it, but he was always looking for ways to get me and my friends to pay his way. What a creep! Also, he traveled a lot and cheated on me. Plus, he talked about ex girlfriends and showed me his photo albums of them (yuck!). He also smoked pot.
Dayu: I was working in the travel industry and he was just a friend I went to Hawaii with. But, if I had been serious about him, I would have found it even more irksome that all he wanted to do was either sit in the car or sit in the hotel room and watch TV. Why bother leaving home?
So that is how I made my Reverse List. I have to tell you, it was really eerie how perfectly Marc matched everything on my list and how soon after I made that list that I met him. (No, I didn't meet him on the internet, but how I met him is a whole nother story). Life seemed like a fairytale. Then my father passed away and I felt torn in two, so sad to lose my father but so happy to be in love. Everything has been bittersweet since I met The One. We were so happy together and we were/are devastated that our child was diagnosed with autism.
I had a good giggle over how
I had a good giggle over how you described some of these guys. I had never thought to go back and rethink some of my horrid break-ups in comical put-downs about them. Not that any of them need any help being put down, most prove themselves inadequate every day.
Hey maybe that is how they made Google from Good Giggle HEHEHE
I love my son's father I just do not know how to hang on to hope anymore. So I let go andcan only hope I meet somebody who can handle all the baggage I come with or David and I work it out. I just hate the idea of having to ask a guy to take on so much because I am not just a single mother I am an ASD single mother...