First I shall start with a long and deep *sigh*. Where to start. I have a tangle of thoughts and emotions, fears and doubts, wishes and disappointments, well basically a mess to word out.

I had no doubts in Michael before this morning. I accepted what they told me, and it all seemed to fit. Or did it fit because I was looking for proof to make those statements concrete, or was I just too accepting of the facts and related half-true coincidences from the books, statistics, websites, and word of others so I would not have to doubt anything.

Michael is ineligible for the MR waiver in Iowa. I should be happy he scored so highly. I should be proud of my little man for all he has overcome and progressed in this short time. Yet the disappointment over-powers that pride. I was really counting on that waiver so that I could have something to push at the state so they would help find and approve a daycare. So I could apply for SSI and get a car so I could have a hope of working again. I feel so selfish, was I looking to cash in on Michael? I have been surviving on nothing for so long, and all I could think about is the little help and what we could actually do with a little more money.

Have you ever had one of those movie moments where you are on repeat mode, where you almost vision an echo of something somebody is saying? Maybe all I could focus on was the words I never expected to hear. I know my son is not mentally retarded. But I was told for Autism I had to file under that waiver. Only according to this woman he is not showing any typical results of an autistic child on his tests.

Was he mis-diagnosed? Or did I jump too hard on those words, Autism because I wanted something final. I was tired of explaining I did not know what was wrong with Michael, and was relieved when I could just spit out one word and people even if they really do not understand stop pushing for answers. They said everyone thus far who had worked with Michael were pretty much in agreeance. His file was reviewed by Susan Baker down in Iowa City.  Or does the woman who tested him last week only usually see lower-functioning children? Is Michael maybe a savant who just has communication delays and minor obsessive compulsive disorder? I feel like I am back to where I was a year ago, trying to shove a square peg in a triangular hole.

I know I probably sound horrid, fussing because I do not know if Michael is or is not under that broad spectrum. I know many parents would give anything to be told a mistake was made and their baby would be better. I used to sit and cry and pray that we were wrong. I thought maybe he would actually get to be loved by his paternal family if he was normal, or at least a hope of being normal. But I feel like a counterfeit, an insult, to all the parents out there who have the child where there are no questions about their kid's diagnosis. It all seemed to make sense. Everything seemed to fit, and I jumped headfirst trying to learn what I could, connect to others because I felt so alone not knowing where to go from there. But a toddler cannot cheat on a preschool IQ test. He cannotshould not lower his score those 7-9 points just so Mommy can get a break...